|Regular sized hats are so last year.|
|Can’t talk. Busy.|
|Don’t worry, girls. It gets better.|
9:15 am I have 2 cups of coffee, which is allowed on the AP, otherwise what is even the point of extending your life?
1:00 pm Despite the speed with which I inhaled my breakfast I feel smug–like this is easy, and I’m the best at fasting. Ever.
1:50 pm I heat up my zucchini soup. Meh.
4:04 pm I snack on a green apple and am reminded of why I never buy green apples.
|What kind of sociopath chooses a green apple? Gross.|
6:15 pm Dinner is a big salad that includes 4 of the expensive olives I usually reserve for martinis. I slice them each into 6 pieces for maximum olive coverage.
9:45 am Still feeling smugly, I sip my coffee and decide that, so far, mild starvation is not even in the top 5 hardest MS treatments I’ve had.
11:32 am At 152 calories, my first meal of the day is a lower fat, higher carb version of the smoothie I had yesterday. Banana made it better, and I make it last 27 minutes. High five!
|1:45pm I’m already sick of this zucchini soup.|
3:12 pm I have some green tea, and no green apple. Apples are only allowed on Day One where you’re expected to ease into things, and a few more calories are permitted. Anyway, that apple sucked and I don’t miss it.
9:37 am I’ve been awake for an hour and I’m a little dizzy. I decide to add caffeine to that, because I make good life decisions.
10:35 am The room’s a bit spinny and I make my smoothie as fast as I can because I’m pretty confident I’m about to barf. I suddenly remember brushing off Dr. Dep’s warning not to do this at a time when I would be alone all day. I down the smoothie, and 13 minutes later I’m fine. I mean, I’m fine-ish.
11:34 am I open the fridge to an unholy amount of Oscar-the-Grouch-green soup. I decide to ‘accidentally’ drop it, but realize I lack both the strength to lift such a tremendous amount of garbage water and the energy to clean it up. I close the fridge and go lie down.
12:00 pm My afternoon requires that I not faint or barf, so I decide to swap my dinner for my lunch and eat my big olive-y salad now.
|Who says you don’t win friends with salad?|
2:55 pm I arrive at my meeting with 426 calories in my belly, praying that the sound of my tummy trying to eat itself doesn’t give away my cheeseburger FOMO.
4:30 pm I survive my meeting, and for the duration, forget about food. On my walk home, a superhero leaps into the intersection I’m waiting to illegally cross, throwing up his hands in a ridiculous display to stop traffic in three directions. This isn’t a diet-related anecdote. Just a day in the life.
8:03 pm I send back the fig and ask for a bigger one. He drops the bag on the couch next to me, and I sift through it, touching all the figs until I find the Mack Daddy. The Banker seems annoyed, and I remind him that he chose me.
11:00 pm I put an emergency dried fruit bar and a glass of water by the bed, just in case I’m shaky in the morning.
8:55 am Last night’s fig binge was a good idea, and this morning I feel fine. Bored with food, but fine.
9:34 am I outsmart my body and have my smoothie before I have my coffee. I add the avocado that was supposed to be in my salad just to make sure I don’t get the spins again.
2:21 pm I have 2 figs and a cup of green tea. The figs are off-label, but I feel like it’s fine because I did 20 minutes of cardio on the arm-bike. I’m in the bargaining stage of grieving food.
5:56 pm I eat some homemade kale chips with more salt than the Dead Sea. I briefly wonder what Miss Vicky is up to.
10:00 am I drink my coffee, and stare absently at a mid-morning talk show. I’m struggling, not from lack of calories, but from lack of sleep. I don’t blame the Ardra Protocol; nocturnal nerve-pain keeps me up on the regular.
11:27 am I’m still feeling spacey but I have stuff to do, and I need my brain to work. I add pumpkin seed butter to my smoothie, boosting it to a whopping 237 calories. I’ll make it up later.
1:33 pm I’ll say one thing for ProLon, they don’t make you eat the same fucking soup for five days.
2:15 pm I feel hungry, and I try to embrace it, imagining that this is the feeling of my body repairing itself. It’s not unpleasant when I think of it this way.
3:00 pm I discover that napping is an excellent way to enjoy not eating, and then feel pissy at myself for not having hacked this sooner.
11:00 pm It’s the end of day 5. I did it. I’m in good spirits and feeling like I’ve done something constructive for my MS.
|I waited a full 4 days to eat this.|
Follow Tripping On Air on Facebook.